For Aunt Edie, wherever you are: Good Christian Bitches

I have an aunt Edie, my father Frank’s younger sister. I haven’t talked to her in at least 20 years. The last thing I remember her doing was sending me a Christmas card reminding to the “Christ” in Christmas. I called her thanked her for the card and pointed out that Jesus Christ, if he did exist, was almost certainly born in either March or April. I remember Edie from her high school days. I didn’t know it then we didn’t’ have the term but Edie was a dyed in the wool “Mean girl”.

She was her mother’s daughter. My grandmother Lupe was a bitch with teeth. Some of the things I remember most about Lupe was her humorlessness. She wouldn’t let my cousin’s boyfriend in the house because they lived “in sin” and insisted she a virgin on her wedding night but got a divorce shortly thereafter before she knew she was pregnant with my father Frank. FYI Lupe I will never believe that.

But the thing I remember most about them was the way they went to church. They were the WORST gossips. I don’t even want to think about how many UTI infections they are indirectly responsible for as the second you would leave room they would spread the most awful rumors about you. And they used the their Christianity like a club, the sole purpose of which was to bash other people in the head.

They were both such bitches.

 

GCB originally titled “Good Christian Bitches” debut to modest ratings on Sunday March 4^th, clearly intended as a replacement for the departing “Desperate Housewives” (a show that hung around two seasons too long and committed a criminal act by using the multi-talented Vanessa Williams as set decoration) based on the novel of the same name by Kim Gatlin. Already its had some controversy. It was reported Philly Cream cheese pulled it sponsorship due to the themes. Philly denies this.

All I can say is this. I was raised to be a good Catholic girl. I spent years in a private Catholic school. I know my Bible stories. I memorized Scripture. And Grandma Lupe and Cunt Edie took me to church many a Sunday in Arizona. I know Southwestern Church life.

This is the most accurate depiction of Christians I’ve ever seen.

Our hero is Amanda (Leslie Bib), newly widowed, fleeing California and scandal. Her husband scammed his way to billions via Ponzi scheme and died. Lacking money and skills, Amanda and her two teenage children crawl back to Dallas and the McMansion home of Gigi, Amanda’s estranged mother.

None too happy to see her are her former high school class mates. As the teen Amanda spread rumors, stole boyfriends, and lorded over the school as  the Queen, both of the mean girl and of the Longhorn Ball (complete with horns on the tiara).

The newly sober Amanda seeks to find a job only to find that the gang of GCB’s are scheming against her.

Left to watch in horror as Gigi buys her daughter a push up bra and teaches her son to mix drinks. “Mother I will move me and the kids to a cardboard box under the highway!” Gigi (ably played by Annie Potts basically continuing her Mary Jo role from the 80’s sitcom Designing Women) dryly replies “as long as its the 10. Nobody we know drives that road”.

Dragged to church by her mother Amanda discovers that in her absence across the street neighbor Carlene (who Amanda had kicked off the cheerleading squad for having bad skin) had taken over as Queen Bitch. Carlene who gets all the solos in the church choir (for good reason as she is played by Broadway vet Kristin Chenoweth)is now married to a Texas oil man is the ruler of a catty church clique: Cricket who used to date Bill before Amanda stole him away is a successful fashion designer with her own clothing line, Sharon former beauty pageant queen who has gained weight (in the shows cruelest joke actress Jennifer Aspen looks all of 15 lbs heavier than her co stars and yet is constantly shoveling ice cream into her mouth), and the Hispanic real estate agent who was the daughter of one of their high  school’s lunch ladies.

Executive Producers Darren Star (creator of Sex and the City) stamp is all over. Chenoweth stomps around her McMansion in Christian Loubitons. Potts tells Bibb “The Lord often speaks to me through Christian Dior”.

There are some funny one liners, the show isn’t boring. But as accurately as it portrays Christian women men are viewed (except of course for Amanda’s late husband but he dies before the opening credits role) almost saintly, enduring their exhausting wives with cheerful good humor (well except for one who has a secret he’s so careless about hiding I can’t help but think it demonstrates his wife’s denial more than his lack of honesty).

Still I will watch and think of Edie and Lupe. Lupe would often quote scripture about righteousness and morality. Fun fact: Lupe’s been divorced 4 times.