Cold April Rain - Goodnight $5 Umbrellas

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, and lived in Seattle for 13 years. People always say “Doesn’t it rain there all the time?” Not really. Its overcast for 10 months out of a year.  Its always LOOKS like it about to rain but it doesn’t that much really.

And when it does it’s a soft drizzly rain that doesn’t require an umbrella.

So when I moved to New York I vowed to not buy an umbrella. I didn’t own one in Seattle why would I get one here?

 I answered during my first rainstorm. It was like someone was chasing me with a firehose. I was soaked to my underwear in a matter of minutes.

Luckily practically every corner in NYC has a vendor selling cheap $5 umbrella. Those umbrellas last 5 minutes, but that’s okay since you’ll lose then long before then.  I have a few bartender friends who have a dozen of forgotten umbrellas in their apartments.

Every rainstorm ends with a host of broken umbrellas scattered across the city.

One thing that I will never understand is why in the summer when it rains IT GETS HOTTER. Don’t bother explaining it. I’ve had it explained to me. My brain won’t accept it.

Trapped at the Film Festival: The Inside Goop Vol 2.

*While inspired by events both observed in the media and actually experienced by the author, this is work of pure parody and is entirely fictional.



It was Saturday night. Again. I was hanging with my cat Agent Cooper while trying to write 200 words reviews for cosmetics on a website that was giving me $25 a pop for said reviews. They only took about an hour to write and I’d said yes to writing 5 in a week which seemed really easy 8 days ago. I figured I’d get one done  a day, then give them a quick look over on Sat and turn them in Sunday which of course is why I was STARTING them at 5pm Saturday afternoon.  I told myself over and over that it wasn’t my fault. I hadn’t planned on spending last weekend in East Hampton. At least not overnight. But I didn’t get home until 4am Sunday morning leaving at 8am Saturday. I would say traffic was a bear but it was actually a deer. A car hit deer and that tied up the roads for hours. In BOTH directions

                If you know me you know I don’t really mind long drives. I actually like them. They are rare for me since I don’t drive.  But this drive was made horrifying long by the driver.  I hate to say anything bad about this person. He is a nice person. Well some of you may have met “Simon”. He’s attended a few of my birthday parties. He is quite possibly the most aggressively dull person you will ever meet in your entire life. He can suck the life completely out of a room. He is rich and he is INTO me.

                My life would be so less complicated if I could just stand him. I could marry him and I’d have money and houses. But this man is a human tranquilizer. This is an actual conversation we had

Cam: Didn’t you grow up on Long Island?

Simon: Yes, Great Neck.

Cam: Is that a good place to grow up?

Simon: It’s like anyplace

(silence)

Cam: Where does that name come from?

Simon: Not sure

(silence)

Simon: I always thought Manhasset was a weird name.

Cam: Did you ever live there?

Simon: Went to summer camp

Cam: Was that fun?

Simon: Sure

And repeat.

Part of me didn't want to go to that East Hampton party, but the rest of me could not be kept away. My dear close personal friend Gwynnie X was throwing a party WITH GIFT BAGS.  Gwynnie X’s gift bags ROCK. Well for me. I’ve been told they are ‘disappointing’ by those who consider a $250 digital camera a ‘ho hum’ gift.

Also Gwynnie X was making a lot of the food. Yes she is clueless and insufferable but no one can deny the bitch can cook! I was so excited to eat some of her food. Skypeing means almost never seeing her in person. Occasionally she’ll Fed Ex me some Lemon Bars or other mailable food items and they are freaking yummy.

We finally arrived after getting lost twice, coming within inches of hitting a deer (I suddenly began to worry about Lyme disease). We arrived at Gwynnie X’s palatial estate only to realize despite being over an hour late we were actually the first to arrive.

The estate is so gorgeous and it was so nice to get out of the city. I love Manhattan so much but it can get to you after a while. It was just me and Simon for a while, then the photographers came and with them, the party models. One of Gwynnie absolute besties in the whole wide world, had a display set up of her breathtakingly expensive handbags. The models spent 20 minutes oohing and ahhing over the purses and it became quite clear why their acting careers never got off the ground.

After a while the A list guests began to arrive. Ugh

Don’t get me wrong as a red carpet reporter I met A listers all the time. Many of them are shockingly boring. 

A few of them recognized me. Then I had to introduce to the conversational black hole that is Simon.

Example, conversation with Robert Pattinson.

Robert Pattinson remembered me from a few weeks earlier when the most recent Twilight Movie had opened. I was surprised he remembered me. The place putting it on REALLY kept it under wraps. It was small and intimate with no throngs of screaming fans to squeeze past.

Simon: There were a lot of people there.

Robert: (looking confused) No there weren’t. I saw 7 fans outside. No idea how they found out they wouldn’t tell me.

Simon: At “Remember Me”

Cameron: Oh last spring? Yes that was a madhouse.

Simon: They had to shut the street down.

Robert: I remember

Simon: You couldn’t get on the red carpet.

Cameron: Yeah I was there so I remember. But we were talking about the screening of Twilight.

Simon: So many screaming fans it took me ten minutes to walk around.

Robert: Yeah but the Twilight screening was at the Crosby Hotel

Cameron: Much smaller

Simon: The Remember Me screening was the Paris Theater.

Cameron: Yes we remember

Robert: because we were both there

Suddenly from across the lawn Gwynnie X was calling me.

Gwynnie X: hey Cam! We’re about to start serving the appetizers can you come help me in the kitchen?

I wanted to yell back “You’re hired a staff to help you! People who actually know how to cook, what do you want with me?” But I was so grateful for any chance to be away from Simon. As I began to leave I saw the panic and fear in Robert’s eyes. I felt bad for Simon but I couldn’t leave him here.

Cam: oh and Robert there’s a bathroom upstairs with no line

Robert: (as he ran away) Thanks!

I went into the kitchen that was bigger than any apartment I’d had in New York, to see Gwynnie X literally looking over the shoulder of a man preparing what looked like shrimp.

Gwynnie X: not too much pepper, we want a caress of pepper not an embrace right Cam?

I nodded yes having no idea what the hell she was talking about.

Gwynnie X: here eat this (handing me an appetizer) it’s a bite size chicken caprese

DAYUM.

Cam: OOH so good!

Gwynnie X: that is such a relief. My stomach has been hurting all day worrying about these appetizers. But everyone was so late and the movie is about the start. Put them on the tables and let’s get going.

Cam: Movie?

Gwynnie X: Yes I’ve picked out of my favourites and given the erudite nature of the crowd I’d like to solicit responses and advice.

Cam: Advice?

Gwynnie X: we’re screening one my underrated gems

Oof.

As we assembled on the lawn, where half a dozen love seats and couches had been set up facing a giant screen I can’t believe I didn’t notice before Gwynnie X got up on a deck and announced “there are yummy treats for everyone, gluten free and organic chow down. And now we are going to watch a great film. I’m so overjoyed to be able to bring you this experience. I feel like together we can transcend popular expression and use our collective consciousness to bring our artistic endeavors to a higher level!”

For those of you who left your Pretentious to English dictionaries at home today let me translate.

“There a bunch of stuff that is very good for you, so like any mother I’m telling you to eat it since I cooked it and it will be a slap in my face not to. Now I’m going to force you watch a movie I’m in and you’ll be too polite to do anything other than tell me how brilliant I am to my face. Validate me! For the love of all this is good and holy VALIDATE ME!”

I settled in. The treats were YUMMY.  And Gwynnie X has starred in quite a number of interesting films that went exactly blockbusters.

I’ve missed a few. This could be interesting. Open mind, open mind I have an open mind. The lights went down and the movie started.

Oh. Dear. God.

THIS is the movie she picked? WTF?

Let me just say it’s absolute BOMB where Gwynnie X played a Nevada girl who dreamed of being an air steward and goes about it, in the most boring and dreary way possible but realizes that life is nothing without love and abandons everything for her boring milquetoast lover. It was shelved for two years until Gwynnie won an Oscar, or it might never have been released.

Simon actually fell asleep for over an hour. Good. He had to drive us back to Manhattan. I meanwhile helped myself to three “Burning Pineapples” a spicy rum pineapple juice drink.

I couldn’t help but recall the evening I went to the premiere screening of “The Happening” by M Night Shmylan. I took along my friend M and we sat there before the screening our fists clenched saying “ This  will be a return to form. M Night will make good on the promise he made to us with the 6^th sense. This is going to be awesome. We ARE going to LOVE this! “ We  were trying to make it good movie by sheer force of will. M Night introduced the film taking great care to point out his mother was in the audience. “Yes mother its an R rated film but no naked girls! No bad words. I love you Mama.”

It was so awful. The audience was restless the entire movie and the second ‘directed by’ hit the screen POUND POUND POUND! People were literally running up the aisles, no doubt desperately trying to avoid the director or the co stars (or worse their families, once at a premiere I muttered that one star really needed to hang it up only realize I was standing 6 inches from his teenage daughter).

Of course there are the breathtakingly awkward moment of having the writer or the director ask you what you thought of the movie and you standing there thinking “Who thought this was a good idea? Seriously how much acid did you have to slip them?”

The movie continued to unspool. As Gwynnie realized having her own ambitions and identity are a fools’ errand and rushes to be absorbed into a man’s life on the screen, I could see everyone sort of gathering up their things. They were readying to bolt.

On one hand I felt a little bad for Gwynnie. On the other hand she had TRAPPED us and made this watch her this awful  AWFUL movie so I wasn’t feeling too generous either.

After a mere 17 hours the movie ended (okay 90 minutes). Gwynnie began circulating trying to get a conversation started. “So what do you think worked? Don’t be shy, let me know what didn’t work”

OH gee, maybe that the script was terrible, the director was clueless and the plot points telegraphed so badly a 3 year old could have seen them coming?

Except no one was saying anything.  People were practically running for their cars. Mercifully I was in the back (Gwynnie always put me back there to make sure I didn’t accidentally get photographed) so I woke Simon up. And gave him a soda and told him we needed to GO. People were already streaming off the 

lawn, like a bomb had gone off(which one sorta had). I could see Gwynnie being hugged and kissed as people left. Chris was in the back smirking. I wanted to slap him so hard.

Simon and I had a real excuse. The drive to Manhattan would take a while and there was another deer collision (FUCK!) on the highway. But after all those ‘burning pineapples’ I desperately needed to pee. Sneaking off to upstairs bathroom (yes there was a line at the floor level one) I didn’t want to the staff to spot me, So I left the overhead light off and I emptied my bladder by the illumination of a Van Gogh “Sunflower” Night light.

Then I heard it. Somebody had walked into the room off the bathroom. Someone was here.

Chris: really? You thought this would be a good fucking idea?

Gwynnie:  I did. I DO! These are some brilliant and cultured people.

Chris: OMG you do get how overrated these people are? I mean you must. You’re not an idiot at least I don’t think.

Yeah fucker you need to shut up. Except I couldn’t say that. I knew now I couldn’t leave the room until they did. I might be the last person to leave this party. I might be here til Monday.

Well me and Simon, brilliant social adept Simon who then appeared.

Simon: oh I heard you yelling sorry.

JEEZ! When you hear a couple fighting you don’t TELL them. You lie! It’s just common courtesy.

Simon: I’m looking for Cam

Gwynnie: oh she’s not here.

Simon: She told me she needed to use the bathroom

Oh for the Love of God SHUT UP Simon!  I tried to mentally communicate my thoughts.

Chris: She’s downstairs

Simon: Oh no I definitely saw her come up here. She’s been using this bathroom all night.

I stopped trying to use the power of my mind to communicate and began trying to make Simon’s head explode.

Chris opened the door.

A tidal wave of awkwardness drenched us all and I thought “This could not get worse”

Simon: are you ready? I know you said you wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible

I was wrong. It got worse.

I hugged Gwynnie (I hate hugging her, I can feel her bones when I do) thanked her the party and walked to the car only stopping to take 4 gift bags, a bunch of appetizers and bottle of wine.

Oy to the vey. I didn’t bother to explain to Simon how what he had done was AWFUL and all that rum (those Burning Pineapples were GOOD) made me awfully sleepy anyway.  I was unconscious before we hit Bridgehamton.

I had just finished writing the pieces and would give myself a break before proofreading them when the beep boop of Skype sang out.

Ah damn. That wasn’t the break I was thinking of. I was more thinking an episode of Bob’s Burgers. And then maybe getting an actual burger from The Emerald Inn. Or a French Dip. Oh I was hungry.

Gwynnie X: Hey sweetie.

Cam: Yo. You still in the Hamptons.

Gwynnie X: Yeah my mom has the kids again. They love being in the city with her during the summer. She spoils them rotten. We’re going back to LA on Tuesday.

Cam: What’s going on in LA

Gwynnie X: Chris is there. Well he left the morning after the party.

Cam: Yeah

Long awkward pause

Gwynnie X: I’m really sorry you had to see that.

Cam: couples fight. It happens. I have these two friends they say they have never fought once in almost 20 years.

Gwynnie X: wow! How do they do that?

Cam: They never talk. Seriously. I don’t think they’ve made eye contact in a decade. Conflicts will arise. You two are not twins. Love is a train not a station.

Gwynnie sighed one of those deep contemplative sighed that made me hope I’d made her feel a little better.

Gwynne X: Did you like the movie?

Cam: Fuck no!

Gwynnie’s eyes became very wide. I was reminded that I was the ONLY person in her life who talks to her like this.

Cam: Honey it was shelved for two years for a reason. Why did you want people to see that?

Gwynnie X: I want to improve myself. Grow as an artist. I want an Oscar.

Cam: You HAVE an Oscar

Gwynnie X: Just one!

Cam: (sigh) is this what you originally had planned for the party?

Gwynnie X: well no, but I was turned down for a movie. It went to Jennifer Lopez. She’s going to play a woman who falls in love her sperm donor.

Cam: wow that sounds…awful.

Gwynnie X: yeah, but Judy Greer is her best friend. I never have a best friend in movies. I thought this could be a good way to figure out why I’m not getting cast in these movies.

Aw so this was the rub. The Rom Com. Gwynnie told me about this the first night I met her. She’s always wanted to be a rom com gal, but alas in order to be a rom com gal, the average girl on the street needs to look at you and say “I could be her best friend!” Nobody wants to be Gwynnie’s best friend. Just maintaining the casual every once in a while skype with her, is fucking exhausting.

Gwynnie X: oh and expect a package this week. So many people left without their gift bags I packed up six 

and sent them to you.

Oh. My. God. I had already sold three of digital cameras in the 4 gift bags I took. Six more? I ran the number in my head. I was finally going to be able to pay my tax bill to the state of New York.

Cam: wow thanks.

Gwynnie X: Why don’t you come out to LA next weekend? I could buy you some summer clothes.

Part of me gets pissed off when she acts like my mom. Part of me is reminded that’s why she’s always buying me stuff. A third part of me knows I need the stuff she buys me. The rest of me is just a whore.

Cam: Oh honey that’s so generous but I have a jam packed schedule this week.

That was true.

Cam: You know I could move some stuff around on Tuesday afternoon. Don’t you have that Iron Man prem? I could hang with you while you get hair and makeup done.

Gwynnie X: Oh that would be fun. I’ll bring you some jewelry. Do you need any shoes? The hair and makeup seesh will be in a hotel next the theater.

Cam: Send me the deets.

I signed off, reminding Gwynnie that I loved her.

Oh Gwynnie that wounded bird of girl, so generous with her toys.

Because of course, she never ever pays for them.

I was in the middle of something? What was it?

Was I was going to watch an episode of Bob’s Burgers or was I going to order to a burger?

Ah fuck it I’ll do both. 

I appreciate it when people take risks on the red carpet but I also understand why the stars are hesitant. It can’t be easy to take a chance when you know the whole world will watch and judge you for it.

This could have been a very tricky look to pull off but when I saw how effortless Heather Graham looked in this bright blue skirt I fell in love.

The ageless Heather, looking impossible fresh so early in the morning for her appearance on the Today Show wore a Katharine Kidd ‘Ivonne’ skirt from her Fall 2013 collection with a dripping gold floral embellishment. By pairing a with a simple but very unique navy top and simple dark blue flats complementing the skirt without drawing focus away from it, allowing her to be dramatic without being overwhelmed.

Her styling could not have been more perfect. The simple gold jewelry, accented the gold embellishment, and her bright pink lip provided the perfect amount of contrast. Amazing!

Heather Graham hasn't aged a day since I watched her play Annie on Twin Peaks when I was in high school? What’s her secret? I think she’s a wizard. 

Buy the skirt here

Welcome to Spring! Garden Party: The Inside Goop Vol 1

*While inspired by events both observed in the media and actually experienced by the author, this is work of pure parody and is entirely fictional.

 

Welcome to the Spring! Garden Party TIG Vol. 1

Ah Saturday night in Manhattan. Playground of the rich and famous. I am neither. I am a ‘data entry specialist’ by day, entertainment reporter by night, ghostwriter on weekends. When do I sleep? Oh sleep is so last season.

I’d had a long week, 2 hours of overtime on Wednesday, Friday and events to cover on Tuesday and Thursday meant I came home on Friday night at 9pm and woke up on the couch in still in my work clothes at 1am. Fortunately I live in a teeny tiny Upper West side studio apt so I was able to disrobe and then crawl the 3 ft from my couch to my bed and fall back asleep until 7am, when my cat Agent Cooper began jumping on my head.

Saturday was a whirlwind. I had SO MUCH TV I needed to watch but some much other things I needed to do. I hadn’t been wearing underwear Wednesday as it was all dirty and my Saturday morning breakfast was rice cakes, edamame and personalized M&M’s from my friends’ wedding “Congrats Tom & Tim”.  So I showered was forced to wear daisy dukes under a bee costume to the Laundromat (fortunately there were two women there in wedding gowns), raced to the library, paid my late fees ( $30? How did that happen?) picked up new books, picked up tacos, raced back to Laundromat, ate tacos and read my book while clothes dried (You can’t leave while they dry, washers lock, dryers do not), got stared at by pervy looking homeless man, took my clothes home, went to Traders Joe on 72^nd, realized I was still wearing bee costume, read two chapters of my new book (The Weight of Blood by Laura McHugh, its already really good) in line, put food away, took out the garbage, put all the dishes in sink in hot soapy water, realized I’d forgotten a few things, headed to the Fairway where the prices are higher but lines are shorter, realized I was still in  bee costume, got a call from Neal, nope no dancing at the Edgewater Hilton tonight, much too swamped, paid for my things, realized as I was walking home, I’d missed the close out sale at Loehmann’s, berated myself for missing out on discount perfume, got text from Shilpa asking me if I would be coming to see her DJ at the Edgewater Hilton? said No, felt guilty, realized I really did want to go but at just had so much to do, asked “Lunch next week?”, arrived home, washed dishes, realized “holy crap its 5pm” put clothes away, realized I forgot to do a load of sheets and towels, checked email, spent few moments weeping over how many emails I had to reply to, updated my calendar, make new grocery list as I would need food that could be microwaved since I had two more events to cover next week and I would have no time to cook, texted guy I am ghostwriting memoir for, prayed he’d cancel for tomorrow, moaned when he said “we are on for brunch!”, texted Matt to apologize for not going to his open house tomorrow ooh and ah over how great the apt he’s brokering for is, replied to more emails, set more to do’s on calendar for next week, put dishes away, decided to order enchiladas for dinner, decided to pick them up so I could drink a margarita while I was waiting for them, fed the cat, congratulated myself for grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, emails, headed to restaurant to order enchiladas & margarita, realized as I was sitting there, I had forgotten to wash my hair in shower that morning & I was still wearing bee costume, went home, ate half of enchiladas, opted not to watch Hannibal as it was dark out, while watching CBS Thursday night line, laughed at Big Bang Theory, sighed over declining quality in Elementary, picked out outfit for tomorrow so I could just roll out of bed and get dressed, took shower remembering to wash hair, put on jammies, rolled on floor with cat for 20 minutes rejoicing in the sheer unbridled ecstasy that is clean comfy jammies, felt guilty for 5 minutes over all the suffering in the rest of the world, checked my bank balances, cringed for a few moments and reminded myself to take the steaks back to Trader Joe’s for a refund tomorrow, returned a few more emails, updated my calendar, wrote out to do list for tomorrow, and began researching  an actor I’m Ghostwriting and realized to my horror it was 10pm.

No wonder I was so sleepy.

I spent about two hours doing research on unnamed washed up actor, his one big role, profoundly unremarkable career that followed and ensuing DUI’s. Finally around midnight I’d had enough to material to interview him on, and decided to get my TV watching, I was just about to find out who the killer was on Castle when that irritatingly familiar soft twang of “beep boop” that told me I had a  Skype call coming in. 

It was almost 1am.

Now there were only three people who skyped me. An ex who had found God, heroin and God again, who occasionally would try to skype at 3am Yakima time which it would not be for six hours. Mindy in Japan but we would always schedule it in advance since she’s 13 hours ahead.

That left only one person.

In my career as an entertainment reporter, I’ve interviewed hundreds of celebrities on red carpets at movie premieres. Sometimes I met then over and over. They rarely remember me. I have developed friendships with exactly two. A fashion designer you may have but probably haven’t heard of. And an Academy award winning actress who has been on the cover of People, Vanity Fair, US, Entertainment Weekly, Bazaar, and countless gossip rags. She’s been interviewed on the View, Ellen, Oprah, Letterman, Kimmel, and hosted Saturday Night Live. Twice.

 You haven’t heard of her? I already don’t believe you.

And yes this woman was calling.

We talk about once a week and while I rarely see her in person. Our relationship is…confusing to me. I’m going to change some things because I want to preserve her privacy.

Gwynnie X: Hey how are you?

Cameron G: Oh so tired. I had two events this week. I’m so happy to have a little extra $ but I’m so sleepy I’m worried I’ll walk in front of a cab and die.

I could see people walking behind her carrying trays, and those plastic tubs caterers use when cleaning up for the night I knew what that meant.

Cameron G: Did you have party today?

I watched Gwynnie’s mouth etch into a thin line that screamed “Look how bravely I’m handling my burden”

Gwynnie X: yes my welcome spring garden party and I was so awful. A disaster a complete disaster. It’s going to be in all the papers tomorrow. I want to die!  

Of course I’d heard this from Gwynnie before. The ‘disaster’ that has destroyed her entire life meaning she went on a red carpet with a torn hem that absolutely no one noticed. And real problems that were still far from the ‘disasters’. When she published a recipe but put 3 tablespoons of dry mustard rather than 1/3 of a teaspoon leading to some epically over spiced and inedible chicken breasts.

Gwynnie X: I worked so hard and the cater waiters ruined everything!

As she said this two men carry what looked to be table clothes and candelabras (who has brass candelabras at a garden party?) heard her say this and exchanged a look that said “oh for fucks sake…’ I’m going to go out on a limb now her complaint was going to be pretty fucking stupid.

Gwynnie X: you know Nick’s Cove in West Marin county with their famous Bloody Mary’s?

Cameron G: Yeah sure (Lying)

I had no idea what she was talking about, but I learned from past experience to just say yes otherwise she’s stop her story to tell me about this place for 20 minutes. Gwynnie is always so amazed when I have no idea what she’s talking about I find its easier to just play along.

Gwynnie X: You know how they garnish their Bloody Mary’s with pickled green beans?

Cameron G: yes (lying)

And can I just take a moment to comment on this woman’s bizarre obsession with brine? She’s pickles EVERYTHING.

Gwynnie X:So I spent all day yesterday prepping the green beans and all the waiters had to do was put a green bean in the bloody mary before they served it.

Cameron G: and they forgot

Gwynnie X: they forgot! I didn’t even realize til the party was over and I was in the kitchen and there on the counter are the beans jars unopened!

So those beans so absolutely critical to the drink were excluded and nobody noticed? Yes why not just kill yourself now.

Gwynnie X: And it was really chilly and overcast. I mean seriously! Its April. How can I have a Spring Garden party on a chilly overcast day?

Leave it to Gwynnie to be genuinely surprised the weather won’t cooperate with her social plans.

Cameron G: I’m surprised its still that cold in LA.

Gwynnie gave her ‘caught’ face. Its when you catch her not exactly lying but failing to disclose something. Her lips purse into this ‘O’ and she looks like a fish.

Gwynnie X: I’m in East Hampton. I didn’t tell you? Well maybe its because I knew you couldn’t come this weekend. I wish you’d been here so at least I would have had somebody to rolls my eyes to.

Cameron G: and why couldn’t’ I be there at the party?

Gwynnie X: You had that expo with Neal. Is he still gay?

Cameron G: well yeah he’s gay its not hair dye it doesn’t wash out and that LGBT expo was two weeks ago.

Full disclosure I was a bit touched, the fact that she remembered this and commented on it mean she had stop listening the conga line of Gwynnie Clones singing "I gotta be me!" in her head for a moment and actually paid attention to something I said.

Fish face again. Gwynnie and I do this A LOT. I knew exactly why she didn’t’ invite me.

Let me back up.

Gwynnie and I had met several times on red carpets (she never remember me of course) but we became friends ( I gave her my card, I nearly passed out when she actually called me) at a summer party in the Hamptons on Donna Karan’s estate.

I go to so many of these parties as a reporter. Its an odd thing. I am there to work as well as socialize. And like the 14 year old girl I am to soak up as much gossip as possible. I may not fit in but I have a role. When I have gone along JUST to socialize I don’t have a role and its awkward for them. They being the rich and beautiful. They see me walk in take one look at my shoes and go “Not one of us!”.

Gwynnie X: Well I knew… remember Donna’s party when all anyone could talk about was your shoes?

Cameron G: Yes (lying)

I knew people had noticed my shoes because everyone kept looking at my feet but really? That being said I could believe it. During the party Donna had put a basket of canvas slip ons(that clocked in at a breathtaking $498 a pair) near the staircase to the beach. As everyone took off their shoes there was a plank to the put them on a man to guard them. The reason being was there was $18,000 worth of shoes on that plank. I wanted to bash the man over the head with a rock, steal the shoes, ebay them and use the money to send my niece ot college.

The rich and famous are different from you and me. The biggest difference being that they are rich. They never have to worry “will the bottom of my shoes wear out before I can afford to buy another pair?” “Do I have enough left in my bank account to cover that check I wrote to Con Ed?” “will that bus driver let on every though my metrocard is empty or will I have to walk 30 blocks home in this downpour with no umbrella?” That lack of worry frees up their brains to obsess about the most ridiculous things.

Things like pickled green beans.

Gwynnie X: well I just hate it when people judge you

Cameron G: I think that’s very kind of you (lying)

Okay here the party that makes me sigh. Gwynnie may seem like the most judgey person EVER but she’s doesn’t see it as judgment. She sees it as ‘evaluation for purposes of recommending improvement’. No really does.

I think the real reason we became friends is the pity she felt for me, when I told her I had bought the dress she just complimented from a rack in front of my grocery store for $5 (Associated Grocers corner of W 97^th and Amsterdam). She gazed at me, face frozen in horror and took me in her arms and wept. She smelled really good so I just let her do it.

What I will never be able to make Gwynnie understand was that in my mind I SCORED when I bought that dress. $5 for perfectly good dress! Yeah baby!

Gwynnie X: … so that’s when I realized I hadn’t put the ginger in. I mean how can you effectively detox without ginger?

Dear lord this woman spends so much time ‘detoxing’ I wonder when she finds time to tox. Once for my birthday she gave me a $250 gift certificate for a ‘cleansing fast’ that cost $525 a week. First off there is no such thing as a ‘cleansing fast’ that just you putting a ribbon on your eating disorder. Secondly there are children all over this nation going to bed hungry and you are paying over $500 to STARVE? That a sign that a) you have too much money and b) you really need to sit down and take a long hard look at your life.

Gwynnnie X: …this has been an issue for forever. I mean since I was a child the other kids in school were so jealous of me, my beauty and natural talents, but were so lacking in self-awareness they couldn’t express it other than to convince themselves they hated me, which is course is ridiculous.

She had been talking for 20 minute while I zoned out and never even noticed. Sometimes I had fallen asleep while skyping and she doesn’t notice that either. And this woman was berating others for their lack of self-awareness.

Oh I zoned out again.

Gwynnie X: … So I said to Martha, I did check the weather map!  And she was all well when I checked weather map it said it would be nice…

Somehow I imagined Martha Stewart bullied the internet to the point where it lied to her just to make her go away.

Gwynnie X: …and then when everyone was leaving Kate was all “oh this is the gift bag? I already have camera” and she took the camera out handed it to me said “Maybe you could donate it” Have you ever heard of anything so rude?

Cameron G: No (yes literally thousands of things that were so much ruder than that)

For instance going on and on about a party you threw with a  friend you didn’t invite to that party.

Gwynnie X: …and some of the models I hired to attend were eating. I specifically told them NOT to eat the food. That was for guests.

Cameron G: you hired models to hang out at the party?

Gwynnie does this, and she’s explained it to me 50 times but I still don’t get it.

Gwynnie X:well there were so many photographers  at the party and you want to make sure the guests are aesthetically pleasing.

Cause nothing make a party more fun than having a bunch of “aesthetically pleasing’ strangers wondering around who are hungry and forbidden to touch the yummy food. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was one of those “aesthetically unpleasant’ people.

Gwynnie X: and at one point I was walking across the lawn and my Kate Spade Stiletto got stuck in the grass and this photographer was taking a picture of me sprawled on the grass and Chris comes up and he’s all like “why are you on the ground?” Like I did the faceplant on purpose!

Uh oh Chris bashing time. This could go on for hours. Holy crap it had already been an hour! No wonder I was zoning out. I had to sleep.

Cameron G: Gwynnie its 2am, I have a 11am brunch meeting tomorrow. Don’t you need to check on your kids?

Gwynnie X: my mom has them. She took them into the city. She wants to take them shopping tomorrow.  And Chris left, he has something he has to do in LA.

Cameron G: when did he leave

Gwynnie X: couple of hours ago.

Do you know a couple you’re friends with and everyone who knows them wonder why they are together? Part of you wants to scream “Oh break up already!” in all fairness I’ve never actually spent time with them, socially but whenever I ask about him he’s in LA or London or touring. Red flags all over the place.

Cameron G: Honey I have to sleep.

Gwynnie X: oh yeah well I’m sleepy too.

(I’m pretty sure she was lying).

We signed off but I didn’t go to sleep right away. It was 2:20am and I through a coat over my  jammies and headed to Fred’s on Amsterdam. I could not stop thinking about a bloody mary.