*While inspired by events both observed in the media and
actually experienced by the author, this is work of pure parody and is entirely
fictional.
Welcome to the Spring! Garden Party TIG Vol. 1
Ah Saturday night in Manhattan. Playground of the rich and
famous. I am neither. I am a ‘data entry specialist’ by day, entertainment
reporter by night, ghostwriter on weekends. When do I sleep? Oh sleep is so
last season.
I’d had a long week, 2 hours of overtime on Wednesday,
Friday and events to cover on Tuesday and Thursday meant I came home on Friday
night at 9pm and woke up on the couch in still in my work clothes at 1am.
Fortunately I live in a teeny tiny Upper West side studio apt so I was able to
disrobe and then crawl the 3 ft from my couch to my bed and fall back asleep
until 7am, when my cat Agent Cooper began jumping on my head.
Saturday was a whirlwind. I had SO MUCH TV I needed to watch
but some much other things I needed to do. I hadn’t been wearing underwear
Wednesday as it was all dirty and my Saturday morning breakfast was rice cakes,
edamame and personalized M&M’s from my friends’ wedding “Congrats Tom &
Tim”. So I showered was forced to wear
daisy dukes under a bee costume to the Laundromat (fortunately there were two
women there in wedding gowns), raced to the library, paid my late fees ( $30?
How did that happen?) picked up new books, picked up tacos, raced back to
Laundromat, ate tacos and read my book while clothes dried (You can’t leave
while they dry, washers lock, dryers do not), got stared at by pervy looking
homeless man, took my clothes home, went to Traders Joe on 72nd,
realized I was still wearing bee costume, read two chapters of my new book (The
Weight of Blood by Laura McHugh, its already really good) in line, put food
away, took out the garbage, put all the dishes in sink in hot soapy water,
realized I’d forgotten a few things, headed to the Fairway where the prices are
higher but lines are shorter, realized I was still in bee costume, got a call from Neal, nope no
dancing at the Edgewater Hilton tonight, much too swamped, paid for my things,
realized as I was walking home, I’d missed the close out sale at Loehmann’s,
berated myself for missing out on discount perfume, got text from Shilpa asking
me if I would be coming to see her DJ at the Edgewater Hilton? said No, felt
guilty, realized I really did want to go but at just had so much to do, asked
“Lunch next week?”, arrived home, washed dishes, realized “holy crap its 5pm”
put clothes away, realized I forgot to do a load of sheets and towels, checked
email, spent few moments weeping over how many emails I had to reply to,
updated my calendar, make new grocery list as I would need food that could be
microwaved since I had two more events to cover next week and I would have no
time to cook, texted guy I am ghostwriting memoir for, prayed he’d cancel for
tomorrow, moaned when he said “we are on for brunch!”, texted Matt to apologize
for not going to his open house tomorrow ooh and ah over how great the apt he’s
brokering for is, replied to more emails, set more to do’s on calendar for next
week, put dishes away, decided to order enchiladas for dinner, decided to pick
them up so I could drink a margarita while I was waiting for them, fed the cat,
congratulated myself for grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, emails, headed to
restaurant to order enchiladas & margarita, realized as I was sitting
there, I had forgotten to wash my hair in shower that morning & I was still
wearing bee costume, went home, ate half of enchiladas, opted not to watch
Hannibal as it was dark out, while watching CBS Thursday night line, laughed at
Big Bang Theory, sighed over declining quality in Elementary, picked out outfit
for tomorrow so I could just roll out of bed and get dressed, took shower
remembering to wash hair, put on jammies, rolled on floor with cat for 20
minutes rejoicing in the sheer unbridled ecstasy that is clean comfy jammies,
felt guilty for 5 minutes over all the suffering in the rest of the world, checked
my bank balances, cringed for a few moments and reminded myself to take the
steaks back to Trader Joe’s for a refund tomorrow, returned a few more emails,
updated my calendar, wrote out to do list for tomorrow, and began researching an actor I’m Ghostwriting and realized to my
horror it was 10pm.
No wonder I was so sleepy.
I spent about two hours doing research on unnamed washed up
actor, his one big role, profoundly unremarkable career that followed and ensuing
DUI’s. Finally around midnight I’d had enough to material to interview him on,
and decided to get my TV watching, I was just about to find out who the killer
was on Castle when that irritatingly familiar soft twang of “beep boop” that
told me I had a Skype call coming
in.
It was almost 1am.
Now there were only three people who skyped me. An ex who
had found God, heroin and God again, who occasionally would try to skype at 3am
Yakima time which it would not be for six hours. Mindy in Japan but we would
always schedule it in advance since she’s 13 hours ahead.
That left only one person.
In my career as an entertainment reporter, I’ve interviewed
hundreds of celebrities on red carpets at movie premieres. Sometimes I met then
over and over. They rarely remember me. I have developed friendships with
exactly two. A fashion designer you may have but probably haven’t heard of. And
an Academy award winning actress who has been on the cover of People, Vanity
Fair, US, Entertainment Weekly, Bazaar, and countless gossip rags. She’s been
interviewed on the View, Ellen, Oprah, Letterman, Kimmel, and hosted Saturday
Night Live. Twice.
You haven’t heard of
her? I already don’t believe you.
And yes this woman was calling.
We talk about once a week and while I rarely see her in
person. Our relationship is…confusing to me. I’m going to change some things
because I want to preserve her privacy.
Gwynnie X: Hey how are you?
Cameron G: Oh so tired. I had two events this week. I’m so
happy to have a little extra $ but I’m so sleepy I’m worried I’ll walk in front
of a cab and die.
I could see people walking behind her carrying trays, and
those plastic tubs caterers use when cleaning up for the night I knew what that
meant.
Cameron G: Did you have party today?
I watched Gwynnie’s mouth etch into a thin line that
screamed “Look how bravely I’m handling my burden”
Gwynnie X: yes my welcome spring garden party and I was so
awful. A disaster a complete disaster. It’s going to be in all the papers
tomorrow. I want to die!
Of course I’d heard this from Gwynnie before. The ‘disaster’
that has destroyed her entire life meaning she went on a red carpet with a torn
hem that absolutely no one noticed. And real problems that were still far from
the ‘disasters’. When she published a recipe but put 3 tablespoons of dry
mustard rather than 1/3 of a teaspoon leading to some epically over spiced and
inedible chicken breasts.
Gwynnie X: I worked so hard and the cater waiters ruined
everything!
As she said this two men carry what looked to be
table clothes and candelabras (who has brass candelabras at a garden party?)
heard her say this and exchanged a look that said “oh for fucks sake…’ I’m
going to go out on a limb now her complaint was going to be pretty fucking
stupid.
Gwynnie X: you know Nick’s Cove in West Marin county with
their famous Bloody Mary’s?
Cameron G: Yeah sure (Lying)
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I learned from
past experience to just say yes otherwise she’s stop her story to tell me about
this place for 20 minutes. Gwynnie is always so amazed when I have no idea what
she’s talking about I find its easier to just play along.
Gwynnie X: You know how they garnish their Bloody Mary’s
with pickled green beans?
Cameron G: yes (lying)
And can I just take a moment to comment on this woman’s
bizarre obsession with brine? She’s pickles EVERYTHING.
Gwynnie X:So I spent all day yesterday prepping the green
beans and all the waiters had to do was put a green bean in the bloody mary
before they served it.
Cameron G: and they forgot
Gwynnie X: they forgot! I didn’t even realize til the party
was over and I was in the kitchen and there on the counter are the beans jars
unopened!
So those beans so absolutely critical to the drink were
excluded and nobody noticed? Yes why not just kill yourself now.
Gwynnie X: And it was really chilly and overcast. I mean
seriously! Its April. How can I have a Spring Garden party on a chilly overcast
day?
Leave it to Gwynnie to be genuinely surprised the weather
won’t cooperate with her social plans.
Cameron G: I’m surprised its still that cold in LA.
Gwynnie gave her ‘caught’ face. Its when you catch her not
exactly lying but failing to disclose something. Her lips purse into this ‘O’
and she looks like a fish.
Gwynnie X: I’m in East Hampton. I didn’t tell you? Well
maybe its because I knew you couldn’t come this weekend. I wish you’d been here
so at least I would have had somebody to rolls my eyes to.
Cameron G: and why couldn’t’ I be there at the party?
Gwynnie X: You had that expo with Neal. Is he still gay?
Cameron G: well yeah he’s gay its not hair dye it doesn’t
wash out and that LGBT expo was two weeks ago.
Full disclosure I was a bit touched, the fact that she remembered this and commented on it mean she had stop listening the conga line of Gwynnie Clones singing "I gotta be me!" in her head for a moment and actually paid attention to something I said.
Fish face again. Gwynnie and I do this A LOT. I knew exactly
why she didn’t’ invite me.
Let me back up.
Gwynnie and I had met several times on red carpets (she
never remember me of course) but we became friends ( I gave her my card, I
nearly passed out when she actually called me) at a summer party in the
Hamptons on Donna Karan’s estate.
I go to so many of these parties as a reporter. Its an odd
thing. I am there to work as well as socialize. And like the 14 year old girl I
am to soak up as much gossip as possible. I may not fit in but I have a role.
When I have gone along JUST to socialize I don’t have a role and its awkward
for them. They being the rich and beautiful. They see me walk in take one look
at my shoes and go “Not one of us!”.
Gwynnie X: Well I knew… remember Donna’s party when all
anyone could talk about was your shoes?
Cameron G: Yes (lying)
I knew people had noticed my shoes because everyone kept
looking at my feet but really? That being said I could believe it. During the party
Donna had put a basket of canvas slip ons(that clocked in at a breathtaking
$498 a pair) near the staircase to the beach. As everyone took off their shoes
there was a plank to the put them on a man to guard them. The reason being was
there was $18,000 worth of shoes on that plank. I wanted to bash the man over
the head with a rock, steal the shoes, ebay them and use the money to send my
niece ot college.
The rich and famous are different from you and me. The
biggest difference being that they are rich. They never have to worry “will the
bottom of my shoes wear out before I can afford to buy another pair?” “Do I
have enough left in my bank account to cover that check I wrote to Con Ed?” “will
that bus driver let on every though my metrocard is empty or will I have to
walk 30 blocks home in this downpour with no umbrella?” That lack of worry
frees up their brains to obsess about the most ridiculous things.
Things like pickled green beans.
Gwynnie X: well I just hate it when people judge you
Cameron G: I think that’s very kind of you (lying)
Okay here the party that makes me sigh. Gwynnie may seem
like the most judgey person EVER but she’s doesn’t see it as judgment. She sees
it as ‘evaluation for purposes of recommending improvement’. No really does.
I think the real reason we became friends is the pity she
felt for me, when I told her I had bought the dress she just complimented from
a rack in front of my grocery store for $5 (Associated Grocers corner of W 97th
and Amsterdam). She gazed at me, face frozen in horror and took me in her arms
and wept. She smelled really good so I just let her do it.
What I will never be able to make Gwynnie understand was
that in my mind I SCORED when I bought that dress. $5 for perfectly good dress!
Yeah baby!
Gwynnie X: … so that’s when I realized I hadn’t put the
ginger in. I mean how can you effectively detox without ginger?
Dear lord this woman spends so much time ‘detoxing’ I wonder
when she finds time to tox. Once for my birthday she gave me a $250 gift
certificate for a ‘cleansing fast’ that cost $525 a week. First off there is no
such thing as a ‘cleansing fast’ that just you putting a ribbon on your eating
disorder. Secondly there are children all over this nation going to bed hungry
and you are paying over $500 to STARVE? That a sign that a) you have too much
money and b) you really need to sit down and take a long hard look at your
life.
Gwynnnie X: …this has been an issue for forever. I mean
since I was a child the other kids in school were so jealous of me, my beauty
and natural talents, but were so lacking in self-awareness they couldn’t
express it other than to convince themselves they hated me, which is course is
ridiculous.
She had been talking for 20 minute while I zoned out and
never even noticed. Sometimes I had fallen asleep while skyping and she doesn’t
notice that either. And this woman was berating others for their lack of
self-awareness.
Oh I zoned out again.
Gwynnie X: … So I said to Martha, I did check the weather
map! And she was all well when I checked
weather map it said it would be nice…
Somehow I imagined Martha Stewart bullied the internet to
the point where it lied to her just to make her go away.
Gwynnie X: …and then when everyone was leaving Kate was all
“oh this is the gift bag? I already have camera” and she took the camera out
handed it to me said “Maybe you could donate it” Have you ever heard of
anything so rude?
Cameron G: No (yes literally thousands of things that were
so much ruder than that)
For instance going on and on about a party you threw with
a friend you didn’t invite to that
party.
Gwynnie X: …and some of the models I hired to attend were
eating. I specifically told them NOT to eat the food. That was for guests.
Cameron G: you hired models to hang out at the party?
Gwynnie does this, and she’s explained it to me 50 times but
I still don’t get it.
Gwynnie X:well there were so many photographers at the party and you want to make sure the
guests are aesthetically pleasing.
Cause nothing make a party more fun than having a bunch of
“aesthetically pleasing’ strangers wondering around who are hungry and
forbidden to touch the yummy food. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was one of
those “aesthetically unpleasant’ people.
Gwynnie X: and at one point I was walking across the lawn
and my Kate Spade Stiletto got stuck in the grass and this photographer was
taking a picture of me sprawled on the grass and Chris comes up and he’s all
like “why are you on the ground?” Like I did the faceplant on purpose!
Uh oh Chris bashing time. This could go on for hours. Holy
crap it had already been an hour! No wonder I was zoning out. I had to sleep.
Cameron G: Gwynnie its 2am, I have a 11am brunch meeting
tomorrow. Don’t you need to check on your kids?
Gwynnie X: my mom has them. She took them into the city. She
wants to take them shopping tomorrow.
And Chris left, he has something he has to do in LA.
Cameron G: when did he leave
Gwynnie X: couple of hours ago.
Do you know a couple you’re friends with and everyone who
knows them wonder why they are together? Part of you wants to scream “Oh break
up already!” in all fairness I’ve never actually spent time with them, socially
but whenever I ask about him he’s in LA or London or touring. Red flags all
over the place.
Cameron G: Honey I have to sleep.
Gwynnie X: oh yeah well I’m sleepy too.
(I’m pretty sure she was lying).
We signed off but I didn’t go to sleep right away. It was
2:20am and I through a coat over my
jammies and headed to Fred’s on Amsterdam. I could not stop thinking
about a bloody mary.
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