Trapped at the Film Festival: The Inside Goop Vol 2.

*While inspired by events both observed in the media and actually experienced by the author, this is work of pure parody and is entirely fictional.



It was Saturday night. Again. I was hanging with my cat Agent Cooper while trying to write 200 words reviews for cosmetics on a website that was giving me $25 a pop for said reviews. They only took about an hour to write and I’d said yes to writing 5 in a week which seemed really easy 8 days ago. I figured I’d get one done  a day, then give them a quick look over on Sat and turn them in Sunday which of course is why I was STARTING them at 5pm Saturday afternoon.  I told myself over and over that it wasn’t my fault. I hadn’t planned on spending last weekend in East Hampton. At least not overnight. But I didn’t get home until 4am Sunday morning leaving at 8am Saturday. I would say traffic was a bear but it was actually a deer. A car hit deer and that tied up the roads for hours. In BOTH directions

                If you know me you know I don’t really mind long drives. I actually like them. They are rare for me since I don’t drive.  But this drive was made horrifying long by the driver.  I hate to say anything bad about this person. He is a nice person. Well some of you may have met “Simon”. He’s attended a few of my birthday parties. He is quite possibly the most aggressively dull person you will ever meet in your entire life. He can suck the life completely out of a room. He is rich and he is INTO me.

                My life would be so less complicated if I could just stand him. I could marry him and I’d have money and houses. But this man is a human tranquilizer. This is an actual conversation we had

Cam: Didn’t you grow up on Long Island?

Simon: Yes, Great Neck.

Cam: Is that a good place to grow up?

Simon: It’s like anyplace

(silence)

Cam: Where does that name come from?

Simon: Not sure

(silence)

Simon: I always thought Manhasset was a weird name.

Cam: Did you ever live there?

Simon: Went to summer camp

Cam: Was that fun?

Simon: Sure

And repeat.

Part of me didn't want to go to that East Hampton party, but the rest of me could not be kept away. My dear close personal friend Gwynnie X was throwing a party WITH GIFT BAGS.  Gwynnie X’s gift bags ROCK. Well for me. I’ve been told they are ‘disappointing’ by those who consider a $250 digital camera a ‘ho hum’ gift.

Also Gwynnie X was making a lot of the food. Yes she is clueless and insufferable but no one can deny the bitch can cook! I was so excited to eat some of her food. Skypeing means almost never seeing her in person. Occasionally she’ll Fed Ex me some Lemon Bars or other mailable food items and they are freaking yummy.

We finally arrived after getting lost twice, coming within inches of hitting a deer (I suddenly began to worry about Lyme disease). We arrived at Gwynnie X’s palatial estate only to realize despite being over an hour late we were actually the first to arrive.

The estate is so gorgeous and it was so nice to get out of the city. I love Manhattan so much but it can get to you after a while. It was just me and Simon for a while, then the photographers came and with them, the party models. One of Gwynnie absolute besties in the whole wide world, had a display set up of her breathtakingly expensive handbags. The models spent 20 minutes oohing and ahhing over the purses and it became quite clear why their acting careers never got off the ground.

After a while the A list guests began to arrive. Ugh

Don’t get me wrong as a red carpet reporter I met A listers all the time. Many of them are shockingly boring. 

A few of them recognized me. Then I had to introduce to the conversational black hole that is Simon.

Example, conversation with Robert Pattinson.

Robert Pattinson remembered me from a few weeks earlier when the most recent Twilight Movie had opened. I was surprised he remembered me. The place putting it on REALLY kept it under wraps. It was small and intimate with no throngs of screaming fans to squeeze past.

Simon: There were a lot of people there.

Robert: (looking confused) No there weren’t. I saw 7 fans outside. No idea how they found out they wouldn’t tell me.

Simon: At “Remember Me”

Cameron: Oh last spring? Yes that was a madhouse.

Simon: They had to shut the street down.

Robert: I remember

Simon: You couldn’t get on the red carpet.

Cameron: Yeah I was there so I remember. But we were talking about the screening of Twilight.

Simon: So many screaming fans it took me ten minutes to walk around.

Robert: Yeah but the Twilight screening was at the Crosby Hotel

Cameron: Much smaller

Simon: The Remember Me screening was the Paris Theater.

Cameron: Yes we remember

Robert: because we were both there

Suddenly from across the lawn Gwynnie X was calling me.

Gwynnie X: hey Cam! We’re about to start serving the appetizers can you come help me in the kitchen?

I wanted to yell back “You’re hired a staff to help you! People who actually know how to cook, what do you want with me?” But I was so grateful for any chance to be away from Simon. As I began to leave I saw the panic and fear in Robert’s eyes. I felt bad for Simon but I couldn’t leave him here.

Cam: oh and Robert there’s a bathroom upstairs with no line

Robert: (as he ran away) Thanks!

I went into the kitchen that was bigger than any apartment I’d had in New York, to see Gwynnie X literally looking over the shoulder of a man preparing what looked like shrimp.

Gwynnie X: not too much pepper, we want a caress of pepper not an embrace right Cam?

I nodded yes having no idea what the hell she was talking about.

Gwynnie X: here eat this (handing me an appetizer) it’s a bite size chicken caprese

DAYUM.

Cam: OOH so good!

Gwynnie X: that is such a relief. My stomach has been hurting all day worrying about these appetizers. But everyone was so late and the movie is about the start. Put them on the tables and let’s get going.

Cam: Movie?

Gwynnie X: Yes I’ve picked out of my favourites and given the erudite nature of the crowd I’d like to solicit responses and advice.

Cam: Advice?

Gwynnie X: we’re screening one my underrated gems

Oof.

As we assembled on the lawn, where half a dozen love seats and couches had been set up facing a giant screen I can’t believe I didn’t notice before Gwynnie X got up on a deck and announced “there are yummy treats for everyone, gluten free and organic chow down. And now we are going to watch a great film. I’m so overjoyed to be able to bring you this experience. I feel like together we can transcend popular expression and use our collective consciousness to bring our artistic endeavors to a higher level!”

For those of you who left your Pretentious to English dictionaries at home today let me translate.

“There a bunch of stuff that is very good for you, so like any mother I’m telling you to eat it since I cooked it and it will be a slap in my face not to. Now I’m going to force you watch a movie I’m in and you’ll be too polite to do anything other than tell me how brilliant I am to my face. Validate me! For the love of all this is good and holy VALIDATE ME!”

I settled in. The treats were YUMMY.  And Gwynnie X has starred in quite a number of interesting films that went exactly blockbusters.

I’ve missed a few. This could be interesting. Open mind, open mind I have an open mind. The lights went down and the movie started.

Oh. Dear. God.

THIS is the movie she picked? WTF?

Let me just say it’s absolute BOMB where Gwynnie X played a Nevada girl who dreamed of being an air steward and goes about it, in the most boring and dreary way possible but realizes that life is nothing without love and abandons everything for her boring milquetoast lover. It was shelved for two years until Gwynnie won an Oscar, or it might never have been released.

Simon actually fell asleep for over an hour. Good. He had to drive us back to Manhattan. I meanwhile helped myself to three “Burning Pineapples” a spicy rum pineapple juice drink.

I couldn’t help but recall the evening I went to the premiere screening of “The Happening” by M Night Shmylan. I took along my friend M and we sat there before the screening our fists clenched saying “ This  will be a return to form. M Night will make good on the promise he made to us with the 6^th sense. This is going to be awesome. We ARE going to LOVE this! “ We  were trying to make it good movie by sheer force of will. M Night introduced the film taking great care to point out his mother was in the audience. “Yes mother its an R rated film but no naked girls! No bad words. I love you Mama.”

It was so awful. The audience was restless the entire movie and the second ‘directed by’ hit the screen POUND POUND POUND! People were literally running up the aisles, no doubt desperately trying to avoid the director or the co stars (or worse their families, once at a premiere I muttered that one star really needed to hang it up only realize I was standing 6 inches from his teenage daughter).

Of course there are the breathtakingly awkward moment of having the writer or the director ask you what you thought of the movie and you standing there thinking “Who thought this was a good idea? Seriously how much acid did you have to slip them?”

The movie continued to unspool. As Gwynnie realized having her own ambitions and identity are a fools’ errand and rushes to be absorbed into a man’s life on the screen, I could see everyone sort of gathering up their things. They were readying to bolt.

On one hand I felt a little bad for Gwynnie. On the other hand she had TRAPPED us and made this watch her this awful  AWFUL movie so I wasn’t feeling too generous either.

After a mere 17 hours the movie ended (okay 90 minutes). Gwynnie began circulating trying to get a conversation started. “So what do you think worked? Don’t be shy, let me know what didn’t work”

OH gee, maybe that the script was terrible, the director was clueless and the plot points telegraphed so badly a 3 year old could have seen them coming?

Except no one was saying anything.  People were practically running for their cars. Mercifully I was in the back (Gwynnie always put me back there to make sure I didn’t accidentally get photographed) so I woke Simon up. And gave him a soda and told him we needed to GO. People were already streaming off the 

lawn, like a bomb had gone off(which one sorta had). I could see Gwynnie being hugged and kissed as people left. Chris was in the back smirking. I wanted to slap him so hard.

Simon and I had a real excuse. The drive to Manhattan would take a while and there was another deer collision (FUCK!) on the highway. But after all those ‘burning pineapples’ I desperately needed to pee. Sneaking off to upstairs bathroom (yes there was a line at the floor level one) I didn’t want to the staff to spot me, So I left the overhead light off and I emptied my bladder by the illumination of a Van Gogh “Sunflower” Night light.

Then I heard it. Somebody had walked into the room off the bathroom. Someone was here.

Chris: really? You thought this would be a good fucking idea?

Gwynnie:  I did. I DO! These are some brilliant and cultured people.

Chris: OMG you do get how overrated these people are? I mean you must. You’re not an idiot at least I don’t think.

Yeah fucker you need to shut up. Except I couldn’t say that. I knew now I couldn’t leave the room until they did. I might be the last person to leave this party. I might be here til Monday.

Well me and Simon, brilliant social adept Simon who then appeared.

Simon: oh I heard you yelling sorry.

JEEZ! When you hear a couple fighting you don’t TELL them. You lie! It’s just common courtesy.

Simon: I’m looking for Cam

Gwynnie: oh she’s not here.

Simon: She told me she needed to use the bathroom

Oh for the Love of God SHUT UP Simon!  I tried to mentally communicate my thoughts.

Chris: She’s downstairs

Simon: Oh no I definitely saw her come up here. She’s been using this bathroom all night.

I stopped trying to use the power of my mind to communicate and began trying to make Simon’s head explode.

Chris opened the door.

A tidal wave of awkwardness drenched us all and I thought “This could not get worse”

Simon: are you ready? I know you said you wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible

I was wrong. It got worse.

I hugged Gwynnie (I hate hugging her, I can feel her bones when I do) thanked her the party and walked to the car only stopping to take 4 gift bags, a bunch of appetizers and bottle of wine.

Oy to the vey. I didn’t bother to explain to Simon how what he had done was AWFUL and all that rum (those Burning Pineapples were GOOD) made me awfully sleepy anyway.  I was unconscious before we hit Bridgehamton.

I had just finished writing the pieces and would give myself a break before proofreading them when the beep boop of Skype sang out.

Ah damn. That wasn’t the break I was thinking of. I was more thinking an episode of Bob’s Burgers. And then maybe getting an actual burger from The Emerald Inn. Or a French Dip. Oh I was hungry.

Gwynnie X: Hey sweetie.

Cam: Yo. You still in the Hamptons.

Gwynnie X: Yeah my mom has the kids again. They love being in the city with her during the summer. She spoils them rotten. We’re going back to LA on Tuesday.

Cam: What’s going on in LA

Gwynnie X: Chris is there. Well he left the morning after the party.

Cam: Yeah

Long awkward pause

Gwynnie X: I’m really sorry you had to see that.

Cam: couples fight. It happens. I have these two friends they say they have never fought once in almost 20 years.

Gwynnie X: wow! How do they do that?

Cam: They never talk. Seriously. I don’t think they’ve made eye contact in a decade. Conflicts will arise. You two are not twins. Love is a train not a station.

Gwynnie sighed one of those deep contemplative sighed that made me hope I’d made her feel a little better.

Gwynne X: Did you like the movie?

Cam: Fuck no!

Gwynnie’s eyes became very wide. I was reminded that I was the ONLY person in her life who talks to her like this.

Cam: Honey it was shelved for two years for a reason. Why did you want people to see that?

Gwynnie X: I want to improve myself. Grow as an artist. I want an Oscar.

Cam: You HAVE an Oscar

Gwynnie X: Just one!

Cam: (sigh) is this what you originally had planned for the party?

Gwynnie X: well no, but I was turned down for a movie. It went to Jennifer Lopez. She’s going to play a woman who falls in love her sperm donor.

Cam: wow that sounds…awful.

Gwynnie X: yeah, but Judy Greer is her best friend. I never have a best friend in movies. I thought this could be a good way to figure out why I’m not getting cast in these movies.

Aw so this was the rub. The Rom Com. Gwynnie told me about this the first night I met her. She’s always wanted to be a rom com gal, but alas in order to be a rom com gal, the average girl on the street needs to look at you and say “I could be her best friend!” Nobody wants to be Gwynnie’s best friend. Just maintaining the casual every once in a while skype with her, is fucking exhausting.

Gwynnie X: oh and expect a package this week. So many people left without their gift bags I packed up six 

and sent them to you.

Oh. My. God. I had already sold three of digital cameras in the 4 gift bags I took. Six more? I ran the number in my head. I was finally going to be able to pay my tax bill to the state of New York.

Cam: wow thanks.

Gwynnie X: Why don’t you come out to LA next weekend? I could buy you some summer clothes.

Part of me gets pissed off when she acts like my mom. Part of me is reminded that’s why she’s always buying me stuff. A third part of me knows I need the stuff she buys me. The rest of me is just a whore.

Cam: Oh honey that’s so generous but I have a jam packed schedule this week.

That was true.

Cam: You know I could move some stuff around on Tuesday afternoon. Don’t you have that Iron Man prem? I could hang with you while you get hair and makeup done.

Gwynnie X: Oh that would be fun. I’ll bring you some jewelry. Do you need any shoes? The hair and makeup seesh will be in a hotel next the theater.

Cam: Send me the deets.

I signed off, reminding Gwynnie that I loved her.

Oh Gwynnie that wounded bird of girl, so generous with her toys.

Because of course, she never ever pays for them.

I was in the middle of something? What was it?

Was I was going to watch an episode of Bob’s Burgers or was I going to order to a burger?

Ah fuck it I’ll do both.